Slash for Dummies
by Parry D Hotter
Summary: A day-by-day account of our angsting adolescents' search for love. For those of you who have RSI from all the analogous HD slashes out there.
1. Step One

Disclaimer: Jokes and rhetorics aside, these people aren't mine. but they will be when I take over the world!!  
  
Warning: I am obliged to inform you all that this story is slash, because even though everyone insists they have no problem with homosexuality, authors still need to clearly label the characters' sexual orientation: but only if they're gay. Never have I seen something to this effect. 'Warning! This story does not contain slash. If you find heterosexual relationships offensive, do not read this story.' So much for our 'unprejudiced', 'equal' society, but when did that ever really exist. Now that that's done, on with the story. I hope everyone enjoys it.  
  
***  
  
A short pseudo-J.K. Rowling introduction to the story and we're in. In version 5.1 we are reintroduced to our poor, angsting hero who is bored after his defeat of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Alternatively, version 4.1 involves a still kicking antagonist who will ultimately be defeated by Harry-at the end of the school year, with help from an 'unexpected' source (unexpected by the characters, that is, and by the select few readers who are new to fan fiction).  
  
Now that one of our protagonists has been established, the scene is set for a new (in version 5.1) nemesis in the body of disagreeing/shocked friends and jealous others as we find out that our Boy-Who-Lived is gay, and lusting over the oh-so-hot-and-totally-shaggable Dra-Malfoy, who could never-ever requite poor Harry's feelings. Harry will have either accepted his sexuality, or is trying his best to deny it-something which will ultimately fail. And those flashes of Dra-Malfoy (Malfoy, not Draco, why does Harry keep calling him Draco in his head? I have a feeling this may be foreshadowing a Freudian slip on Harry's behalf) in Harry's head just keep on coming. We'll leave him now to angst about his secret crush.  
  
Change of P.O.V. (remember the dots people, don't forget the author who misplaced them and readers thought the message was 'Ron is pov', not 'Ron's point of view') to said crush, who conveniently chooses this moment to reflect on his forbidden, seemingly unreturned love (but we readers know better). We are hit with another bomb shell (but can't honestly say we didn't see it coming) when the dashing Draco admits he isn't actually evil, he was just a bad bad boy so as to keep the beatings from a wicked parent to a minimum. In version 5.1 this wicked parent (if not now dead or captured) is in prime position to take up Voldie's job and become the primary bane of the young boys' future fragile fledgling relationship. Draco's other parent will be more sympathetic to his plight, but unable to interfere as a result of the fear instilled in them by their significant other.  
  
Now our minds traverse back to our ill-fated leading man, who is being either sadly ignored, (although he insists he prefers it that way) or is being beaten severely by his uncle. This has been the pattern of behaviour for the duration of Harry's stay with the dastardly Dursleys, despite the evidence to the contrary in the books (you know the ones I'm talking about- J.K.'s, whom many people insist if they were her they wouldn't be wasting their time writing their own scenarios in everyone's favourite world. Hmm. does anyone else see what's wrong with this claim? I was under the impression that being J.K. involved doing exactly that. silly me).  
  
Perhaps all this harassment simply slipped his mind. Either way, Vernon's vying for top spot in the 'We're Going To Kill Harry Potter 'Coz We Just Don't Like Him' club won't go very far due to his Muggle-ness, which provides limited access into the wonderful land of Harry Potter.  
  
***  
  
As Harry drifts off to the lands of sleep we eagerly await his impeding return to happy Hogwarts and the confrontation with his secret love Draco. Will the two overcome all obstacles to get together? How long before Harry's secret is uncovered? What about Cho? (who cares) How many more rhetoric questions can you put up with? These questions, and many more may or may not be answered in the next chapter. You'll just have to wait and see.  
  
***  
  
And now we come to the part where I, the author, demand reviews in order for me to continue writing this story, despite my claim that I'm writing for my own pleasure and therefore do not care what anyone else thinks of this story. Look forward to the next chapter in which I will graciously thank the people who reviewed (if any) not only to make the chapter look bigger in terms of word count, but also to show off that people took time  
out of their busy lives to comment on my humble piece of work. Oh, and don't forget the ridiculing in store if you say something mean. Because  
constructive criticism hurts my feelings. 


	2. Example

Harry Potter was freakishly weird in several ways. Firstly, he actually liked doing homework, something which, in today's society, would get him carted off to the nearest mental asylum. He also hated the holidays. For Harry Potter was a wizard, soon to start his sixth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  
  
"BOY! GET DOWN HERE NOW!" Harry jumped. Surely his Uncle Vernon wouldn't, not today, not when he would be going back to school tomorrow. Harry trudged down the stairs trying to settle his racing heart. But nothing could prepare him for what he saw upon entering the kitchen. Dudley was standing there, looking exceptionally pleased with himself, and next to him-Vernon, holding up Harry's large, leather-bound diary. Harry vaguely wondered if the Dursleys would go to the trouble of buying a coffin for him; since they'd obviously read the diary, or if they'd simply dump his body in a ravine somewhere.  
  
"Is this yours?" Vernon asked, rather pointlessly Harry thought, as even from where he was standing he could see his name printed clearly across the cover. He nodded, thinking Vernon, however thick, would not believe a denial.  
  
"Well," Vernon slowly deliberated, "when Dudley came running." Harry coughed. As if that fat lump could do anything other than roll, if that. Feeling his uncle's glare intensify, he turned his attention back to the lecture. "thought I'd just take a little looksie, didn't imagine how much more. disgusting. you could get. Who is this," he flipped through a few pages towards the end, "Draco Malfoy? Hmm? Another of your freaky little friends I presume? I thought all those beatings would put a stop to your abnormality, but it seems they have merely created another. Well I've had it, you're leaving and you're not coming back." He paused. "Ever." Throwing the offending item at Harry he pointed to the door. "Get your things and leave."  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile, across the other side of England one Draco Malfoy was contemplating his future status if word ever got out. Throwing himself onto his bed he sighed. It was impossible, how could he be thinking of him in that way, his worst enemy. Damn Harry Potter, the boy-who-lived-to-get- me-disowned.  
  
Draco thought back to the time when Harry had refused his friendship. He'd been hurt by the gesture, sure, and had been determined to hate the boy, but somewhere over the years that hate had transformed into something more beautiful. He could remember a quote he'd heard somewhere, something about love and hate being inextricably connected, and couldn't agree more. Draco had tried to keep up the façade of hatred. What would people say if his secret was revealed? He didn't care to find out. So he kept up his torment of Harry Potter, weeping inside at the anger in those bright green eyes.  
  
If only Father were dead, Draco thought, I could be openly nice to Harry; not hurt him anymore. God knows I've only been pretending to hate him. All because of Father. I know I'm weak, can't stand what happens when I do something wrong. And poor Mother. What would happen to her if people found out I'm gay, and in love with the so-called Saviour of the Wizarding World? I can only hope they don't.  
  
***  
  
Harry Potter was wondering how he could feel such a complex range of feelings and not spontaneously combust. He was horrified, of course, that Vernon had actually READ his DIARY; even more so knowing what Vernon had read had been going against everything he valued: normality. The-boy-who- lived was at that moment was also feeling overjoyed that he would never again return to Number four, Privet Drive; anxious about his impending return to Hogwarts and reunion with Draco: something very probably going to involve pain of some variety; and positively euphoric that he would never again have to return to Number four, Privet Drive. He was so happy, in fact, that he started to do a little jig and dance as he packed his trunk.  
  
"Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya Tomorrow! You're always a day away!"  
  
And with that, Harry leapt onto his bed. He figured the Dursleys wouldn't actually come up to check he'd left, and besides, tomorrow he'd see Draco! "Tomorrow," he whispered to himself, promising, then promptly fell asleep to dream about things that wouldn't be appropriate to write about. 


End file.
